A young man and his girlfriend were about to set the wedding date.
Having had no sex before, she decides to confess to him:
Girl: I must tell you I have nothing up front, flat as a board, hope it doesn't make a difference.
Boy: Not at all Darling, and I must confess, that down below I am like a new born baby.
At the honeymoon suite, she slowly undresses and shyly shows him, see I told you, nothing, pancakes.
He pulls down his shorts and out come this HUGE member, she cries out, 'OMG, you lied to me, you said you were like a newborn baby.'
Lovingly looking at her and says, 'Yes Dear 14 inches 9 pounds!'
Thursday, November 12, 2009
The Army Of The Church
Jack was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands.
The preacher grabbed Jack by the hand and pulled him aside.
The Pastor said to him, 'You need to join the Army of the Lord!'
Jack replied, 'I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.'
Pastor questioned, 'How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?'
He whispered back, 'I'm in the secret service.'
The preacher grabbed Jack by the hand and pulled him aside.
The Pastor said to him, 'You need to join the Army of the Lord!'
Jack replied, 'I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.'
Pastor questioned, 'How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?'
He whispered back, 'I'm in the secret service.'
Yuck
A guy in a mask bursts into a sperm bank with a shotgun.
"Open the goddamn safe," he yells at the girl behind the counter."But we`re not a real bank," she replies. "We don`t have any money. This is a sperm bank."
"Don`t argue, open the goddamn safe or I`ll blow your head off," says the guy with the gun.
She obliges and once she`s opened the safe door the guy says, "Take out one of the bottles and drink it."
"But it`s full of sperm!" she replies nervously.
"Don`t argue, just drink it!" he says.
She takes the cap off and gulps it down.
"Take out another one and drink it too," he demands.
She takes out another and drinks it as well.
Suddenly the guy pulls off his mask and to the girl`s amazement, it`s her husband.
"There," he says, "it`s not that fucking difficult, I told you!"
"Open the goddamn safe," he yells at the girl behind the counter."But we`re not a real bank," she replies. "We don`t have any money. This is a sperm bank."
"Don`t argue, open the goddamn safe or I`ll blow your head off," says the guy with the gun.
She obliges and once she`s opened the safe door the guy says, "Take out one of the bottles and drink it."
"But it`s full of sperm!" she replies nervously.
"Don`t argue, just drink it!" he says.
She takes the cap off and gulps it down.
"Take out another one and drink it too," he demands.
She takes out another and drinks it as well.
Suddenly the guy pulls off his mask and to the girl`s amazement, it`s her husband.
"There," he says, "it`s not that fucking difficult, I told you!"
Keeping The Rabbi
At the regular Saturday morning service, the rabbi announced that he was planning to leave for a larger congregation that would pay him more.
There is a hush within the congregation.
No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.
Fred Shapiro, who owns several car dealerships in Newton and Brookline, stands up and proclaims "If the rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!"
The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.
Saul Cohen, a successful businessman and lawyer, stands and says, "If the rabbi will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee a free college education for his children!" More sighs and loud applause. Estelle Rubin, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the rabbi stays, I will give him sex!"
There is total silence. The rabbi, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Rubin,you're a wonderful and holy lady. Whatever possessed you to
say that?"
Estelle's 90-year old husband, Abe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies:
"Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, "Fuck him."
There is a hush within the congregation.
No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.
Fred Shapiro, who owns several car dealerships in Newton and Brookline, stands up and proclaims "If the rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!"
The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.
Saul Cohen, a successful businessman and lawyer, stands and says, "If the rabbi will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee a free college education for his children!" More sighs and loud applause. Estelle Rubin, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the rabbi stays, I will give him sex!"
There is total silence. The rabbi, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Rubin,you're a wonderful and holy lady. Whatever possessed you to
say that?"
Estelle's 90-year old husband, Abe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies:
"Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, "Fuck him."
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
The Wife Material
He wanted many things in a wife, but above all he wanted one who was a virgin.
Falling madly in love with Summer, he decided to test her.
At a drive-in one night, he leaned over and asked, "Would you like to see my pee-pee?"
As he unzipped his fly, Summer covered her eyes. "No! No! Please put it back!"
Thrilled, he deemed Summer worthy of being his bride, and immediately proposed to her.
On their wedding night, he was keenly anticipating the delight of introducing Summer to sex.
When she came to bed, he unzipped his fly and took out his member.
Summer smiled, "Oooooh...what a nice pee-pee."
He stroked her hair. "My dear, the first thing you must learn is that it really isn't called a pee-pee. It's called a cock."
"No," Summer said, studying it, "That's a pee-pee. A cock is long, fat and like Bubba's!!"
Falling madly in love with Summer, he decided to test her.
At a drive-in one night, he leaned over and asked, "Would you like to see my pee-pee?"
As he unzipped his fly, Summer covered her eyes. "No! No! Please put it back!"
Thrilled, he deemed Summer worthy of being his bride, and immediately proposed to her.
On their wedding night, he was keenly anticipating the delight of introducing Summer to sex.
When she came to bed, he unzipped his fly and took out his member.
Summer smiled, "Oooooh...what a nice pee-pee."
He stroked her hair. "My dear, the first thing you must learn is that it really isn't called a pee-pee. It's called a cock."
"No," Summer said, studying it, "That's a pee-pee. A cock is long, fat and like Bubba's!!"
Sex Education
An Italian grandmother was giving an advice to her grandaughter on the eve of her 1st date.
Grandma : Listen Bambina, the boy will try to hug you. Do not let him do that.
Girl : OK
Grandma : He will also try to kiss you in the mouth, do not let him do that.
Girl : OK
Grandma : He will try to lay you down and get between your legs, do not let him do that, if you do you will disgrace all our family!!
Girl : OK
Later that night when the girl returns home, Granma querries on her as to what had happenned.
Girl: You were right Grandma, He tried to do all that you've said.
Grandma: And did you let him?
Girl: No grandma and when he tried to lay me down, I grabbed him. Pinned him to the floor, got on top of him and disgraced all HIS FAMILY !!
Grandma fainted...
Grandma : Listen Bambina, the boy will try to hug you. Do not let him do that.
Girl : OK
Grandma : He will also try to kiss you in the mouth, do not let him do that.
Girl : OK
Grandma : He will try to lay you down and get between your legs, do not let him do that, if you do you will disgrace all our family!!
Girl : OK
Later that night when the girl returns home, Granma querries on her as to what had happenned.
Girl: You were right Grandma, He tried to do all that you've said.
Grandma: And did you let him?
Girl: No grandma and when he tried to lay me down, I grabbed him. Pinned him to the floor, got on top of him and disgraced all HIS FAMILY !!
Grandma fainted...
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
The Insurance Plan
A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital.During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.
'Oh my GOD!' screamed the woman. 'That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?'
The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, 'I'm very sorrythat you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do thatat least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture.
Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay, said the woman.
As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him. Again, the woman screamed, 'Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?
Again the doctor spoke very calmly:
'Same illness, better insurance.'
'Oh my GOD!' screamed the woman. 'That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?'
The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, 'I'm very sorrythat you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do thatat least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture.
Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay, said the woman.
As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him. Again, the woman screamed, 'Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?
Again the doctor spoke very calmly:
'Same illness, better insurance.'
The Man In Titanic
The Titanic was sinking, and there weren't enough life boats.
So the captain had to persuade male passengers to jump into the icy waters to make room for women and children.
To the British he said. "You must act like gentlemen." They jumped.
To the Americans he said, "You can be heroes." They complied.
To the Germans he said, "It's the rule." They obeyed.
To the Japanese he said," It's the consensus." They obliged.
Then came the Chinese and they just weren't budging until he came up with the appeal:
"Free life jackets for those who jumped..."
So the captain had to persuade male passengers to jump into the icy waters to make room for women and children.
To the British he said. "You must act like gentlemen." They jumped.
To the Americans he said, "You can be heroes." They complied.
To the Germans he said, "It's the rule." They obeyed.
To the Japanese he said," It's the consensus." They obliged.
Then came the Chinese and they just weren't budging until he came up with the appeal:
"Free life jackets for those who jumped..."
The Solution
After just a few years of marriage filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw.
When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. In contrast, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour, describing all the wrongs within their marriage.
After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat speechless.
The marriage counselor looked over at the husband, who stared in disbelief. The counselor said to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"
The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."
When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. In contrast, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour, describing all the wrongs within their marriage.
After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat speechless.
The marriage counselor looked over at the husband, who stared in disbelief. The counselor said to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"
The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."
The Wise Dog
A man walks into a bar with his dog and orders two glasses of whiskey.
He proposes a toast and both he and his dog empty their glasses.
The girl behind the bar is surprised and asks,
"Can your dog perform other tricks?"
"But of course", the man answers, "he can even satisfy a woman."
Anxious to know more the girl leads the man and the dog into a
Little room above the bar. She undresses and full of expectation
She lies down on the bed.The dogs looks at her and does nothing.
"It's always the same thing with you!", the man then shouts to the dog,
'I'll show you how to do it one last time.'
He proposes a toast and both he and his dog empty their glasses.
The girl behind the bar is surprised and asks,
"Can your dog perform other tricks?"
"But of course", the man answers, "he can even satisfy a woman."
Anxious to know more the girl leads the man and the dog into a
Little room above the bar. She undresses and full of expectation
She lies down on the bed.The dogs looks at her and does nothing.
"It's always the same thing with you!", the man then shouts to the dog,
'I'll show you how to do it one last time.'
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Skeleton In the Closet
A very large, old, building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper.
Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor.
While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft.
They decided that they should call the police.
When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright.
They said, "This could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important."
Two days went by and the construction workers couldn't stand it any more; they had to know who they had found.
They called the police and said, "We are the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know if it was Jimmy Hoffa or somebody important."
The police said, "It's not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of important."
"Well, who was it?"
"The 1956 Blonde National Hide-and-Seek Champion."
Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor.
While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft.
They decided that they should call the police.
When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright.
They said, "This could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important."
Two days went by and the construction workers couldn't stand it any more; they had to know who they had found.
They called the police and said, "We are the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know if it was Jimmy Hoffa or somebody important."
The police said, "It's not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of important."
"Well, who was it?"
"The 1956 Blonde National Hide-and-Seek Champion."
The Man, The Chicken & The Officer
A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish.
By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says,
"Sir, I'm afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish. The problem is, this is the last chicken in the house. I'm afraid I'll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you!"
The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food.
The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation tothe officer. A few minutes later the officer walks over to the man's table and says,
"Listen and listen good. That is MY chicken you are about to eat andI'll warn you, whatever you do to that chicken I'll do the same to you.You pull out one of its legs, I'll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings, I'll break one of your arms!"
The man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the bird's rectum, pulls it out and licks it. He then gets up, drops his pants, bends over and says,
"Your turn!!"
By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says,
"Sir, I'm afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish. The problem is, this is the last chicken in the house. I'm afraid I'll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you!"
The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food.
The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation tothe officer. A few minutes later the officer walks over to the man's table and says,
"Listen and listen good. That is MY chicken you are about to eat andI'll warn you, whatever you do to that chicken I'll do the same to you.You pull out one of its legs, I'll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings, I'll break one of your arms!"
The man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the bird's rectum, pulls it out and licks it. He then gets up, drops his pants, bends over and says,
"Your turn!!"
The Post Script
A man writing at the post office desk was approached by an older fellow with a post card in his hand.
The old man said, "Sir, I'm sorry to bother you but could you address this post card for me? My arthritis is acting up and I can't even hold a pen."
"Certainly, sir," said the younger man. He wrote out the address and also agreed to write a short message and sign the card for the man.
Finally, the younger man asked, "Now, is there anything else I can do for you?"
The old fellow glanced at the card a moment and said, "Yes, at the end could you just add, 'PS: Please excuse the sloppy hand-writing?'"
The old man said, "Sir, I'm sorry to bother you but could you address this post card for me? My arthritis is acting up and I can't even hold a pen."
"Certainly, sir," said the younger man. He wrote out the address and also agreed to write a short message and sign the card for the man.
Finally, the younger man asked, "Now, is there anything else I can do for you?"
The old fellow glanced at the card a moment and said, "Yes, at the end could you just add, 'PS: Please excuse the sloppy hand-writing?'"
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Beautiful Story
In order to renovate a house in Japan wall has to be torn. Japanese houses normally have hollow spaces between the wooden walls.
While tearing down the walls, the worker found that a lizard is stuck because a nail from the outside accidentally hit one of its feet. He felt pity and at the same time was curious, as when he checked the owner, the building was built 10 years ago thus the lizard was nailed that long.
How did the lizard survived in such position for 10 years..? In a dark partition wall for 10 years without moving, it's impossible and mind boggling. Then he wondered, how without moving a single step - since its foot was nailed!
So he stopped working and start observing the lizard. What has it been doing and how can he get food?
Later, from nowhere appears another lizard, with food in its mouth... He was stunned and touched deeply. For the lizard that was stuck by nail, another lizard has been feeding it for the past 10 years.
What a love, such a beautiful love!!
Such love happened even on these tiny creatures... What love
can do? It can do wonders!! Imagine it has been doing it for a tiredsome 10 years, without giving up hope on its partner.
While tearing down the walls, the worker found that a lizard is stuck because a nail from the outside accidentally hit one of its feet. He felt pity and at the same time was curious, as when he checked the owner, the building was built 10 years ago thus the lizard was nailed that long.
How did the lizard survived in such position for 10 years..? In a dark partition wall for 10 years without moving, it's impossible and mind boggling. Then he wondered, how without moving a single step - since its foot was nailed!
So he stopped working and start observing the lizard. What has it been doing and how can he get food?
Later, from nowhere appears another lizard, with food in its mouth... He was stunned and touched deeply. For the lizard that was stuck by nail, another lizard has been feeding it for the past 10 years.
What a love, such a beautiful love!!
Such love happened even on these tiny creatures... What love
can do? It can do wonders!! Imagine it has been doing it for a tiredsome 10 years, without giving up hope on its partner.
Short Jokes
Q: What is the similarity between SEX and shopping?
A: MAN can not hold both for more than 5 minutes.
A Guy picks up the girl for a date, 'Why are you wearing your belt around your knee?'
Girl: I promised my mom that I wouldn't let you touch me below my belt.
Q:) Why do lady journalists have big breast?
A:) Because they always say "PRESS"
Q: Why men walk more and women talk more?
A: Coz men have three legs and women have four lips!
Wives are Incoming Calls
Lovers are Outgoing Calls
Aunties are Toll free Calls
Call girls are Roaming Calls
Neighbor Girls are Missed Calls
A man stands nude in front of a mirror and examines himself and says: 2 inches more & I'll be a king.
His wife sitting behind says: 2 inches less & you'll be a queen.
A: MAN can not hold both for more than 5 minutes.
A Guy picks up the girl for a date, 'Why are you wearing your belt around your knee?'
Girl: I promised my mom that I wouldn't let you touch me below my belt.
Q:) Why do lady journalists have big breast?
A:) Because they always say "PRESS"
Q: Why men walk more and women talk more?
A: Coz men have three legs and women have four lips!
Wives are Incoming Calls
Lovers are Outgoing Calls
Aunties are Toll free Calls
Call girls are Roaming Calls
Neighbor Girls are Missed Calls
A man stands nude in front of a mirror and examines himself and says: 2 inches more & I'll be a king.
His wife sitting behind says: 2 inches less & you'll be a queen.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Simple Explanation
An Iraqi goes to the bank to get his salary from a French Company.
The Saudi manager of the bank asks him to sign on the back of the check.
"That's humiliation," shouts the Iraqi, "why should the French sign on the front and I sign on the back. I want my money NOW!"
The Saudi refuse to pay him and the Iraqi keeps shouting in the bank then the American high manager comes with a 5kg hammer and knocks the Iraqi on the head.
After 5 minutes the Iraqi wakes up, signs the back of the check and gets his money. The Saudi clerk goes to the Iraqi and asks, "Tell me why you didn't sign the check the first time but signed it later on?"
The Iraqi said, "You missed the point, you just told it to me, but the American explained it."
The Saudi manager of the bank asks him to sign on the back of the check.
"That's humiliation," shouts the Iraqi, "why should the French sign on the front and I sign on the back. I want my money NOW!"
The Saudi refuse to pay him and the Iraqi keeps shouting in the bank then the American high manager comes with a 5kg hammer and knocks the Iraqi on the head.
After 5 minutes the Iraqi wakes up, signs the back of the check and gets his money. The Saudi clerk goes to the Iraqi and asks, "Tell me why you didn't sign the check the first time but signed it later on?"
The Iraqi said, "You missed the point, you just told it to me, but the American explained it."
Friday, September 25, 2009
The Victorian Polis Test
A man is seeking to join the Victorian Police force - The Sergeant doing the interview says:
"Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."
Then, sliding a pistol across the desk, he says:
"Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit. "
"Why the rabbit?"
"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"
"Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."
Then, sliding a pistol across the desk, he says:
"Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit. "
"Why the rabbit?"
"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"
Little Bruce
Mohammed entered his classroom.
"What is your name?" asked the teacher.
"Mohammed" answered the kid."
You are in Australia now and there is no Mohammed. From now on your name will be Bruce," replied the teacher.
In the evening, Mohammed returned home. "How was your day, Mohammed?" asked his mother.
"My name is not Mohammed, I'm in Australia and now my name is Bruce.
""Ah, are you ashamed of your name, are you trying to disown your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you," and she beat him.
Then she called the father and he too beat him savagely.
The next day Mohammed returned to school. When the teacher saw him with all the bruises she asked: "What happened to you little Bruce?""Well Miss, 2 hours after becoming an Australian, I was attacked by two fucken Arabs."
"What is your name?" asked the teacher.
"Mohammed" answered the kid."
You are in Australia now and there is no Mohammed. From now on your name will be Bruce," replied the teacher.
In the evening, Mohammed returned home. "How was your day, Mohammed?" asked his mother.
"My name is not Mohammed, I'm in Australia and now my name is Bruce.
""Ah, are you ashamed of your name, are you trying to disown your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you," and she beat him.
Then she called the father and he too beat him savagely.
The next day Mohammed returned to school. When the teacher saw him with all the bruises she asked: "What happened to you little Bruce?""Well Miss, 2 hours after becoming an Australian, I was attacked by two fucken Arabs."
Thursday, September 24, 2009
The Sample
My 85-year-old neighbor was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave Tom jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'
The next day Tom returned to the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked my 85-year-old neighbor what happened and Tom explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, then I tried with my left hand, then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
We even called up Marie, our next door neighbor and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing.
The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor to help with that?'
The old man replied, 'Yep, but none of us could get the jar open.
The doctor gave Tom jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'
The next day Tom returned to the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked my 85-year-old neighbor what happened and Tom explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, then I tried with my left hand, then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
We even called up Marie, our next door neighbor and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing.
The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor to help with that?'
The old man replied, 'Yep, but none of us could get the jar open.
About Existence
A man went to a barbershop to have his hair cut and his beard trimmed. As the barber began to work, they began to have a good conversation.They talked about so many things and various subjects. When they eventually touched on the subject of God, the barber said: "I don't believe that God exists."
"Why do you say that?" asked the customer.
"Well, you just have to go out in the street to realize that God doesn't exist.
Tell me, if God exists, would there be so many sick people? Would there be abandoned children? If God existed, there would be neither suffering nor pain. I can't imagine a loving God who would allow all of these things."
The customer thought for a moment, but didn't respond because he didn't want to start an argument.
The barber finished his job and the customer left the shop. Just after he left the barbershop, he saw a man in the street with long, stringy, dirty hair and an untrimmed beard. He looked dirty and un-kept.
The customer turned back and entered the barber shop again and he said to the barber: "You know what? Barbers do not exist."
"How can you say that?" asked the surprised barber. "I am here, and I am a barber. And I just worked on you!"
"No!" the customer exclaimed. "Barbers don't exist because if they did, there would be no people with dirty long hair and untrimmed beards, like that man outside."
"Ah, but barbers DO exist! What happens is, people do not come to me."
"Exactly!"- Affirmed the customer. "That's the point! God, too, DOES exist! What happens, is, people don't go to Him and do not look for Him. That's why there's so much pain and suffering in the world."
"Why do you say that?" asked the customer.
"Well, you just have to go out in the street to realize that God doesn't exist.
Tell me, if God exists, would there be so many sick people? Would there be abandoned children? If God existed, there would be neither suffering nor pain. I can't imagine a loving God who would allow all of these things."
The customer thought for a moment, but didn't respond because he didn't want to start an argument.
The barber finished his job and the customer left the shop. Just after he left the barbershop, he saw a man in the street with long, stringy, dirty hair and an untrimmed beard. He looked dirty and un-kept.
The customer turned back and entered the barber shop again and he said to the barber: "You know what? Barbers do not exist."
"How can you say that?" asked the surprised barber. "I am here, and I am a barber. And I just worked on you!"
"No!" the customer exclaimed. "Barbers don't exist because if they did, there would be no people with dirty long hair and untrimmed beards, like that man outside."
"Ah, but barbers DO exist! What happens is, people do not come to me."
"Exactly!"- Affirmed the customer. "That's the point! God, too, DOES exist! What happens, is, people don't go to Him and do not look for Him. That's why there's so much pain and suffering in the world."
Friday, September 18, 2009
Nurse Nancy
Two doctors are in the hallway complaining about nurse Nancy.
''She's out of control!'' the first doctor says.
''She does everything backwards. Just last week I told her to give a man two milligrams of morphine every ten hours, she gave him 10 milligrams every two hours, he almost died!''
''That's nothing,'' said the second doctor, "earlier this week I told her to give a man an enema every 24 hours, she tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour!''
All of a sudden they heard a blood curdling scream from down the hallway.
''OH MY GOD! I just realized that I told nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smiths boil!'
''She's out of control!'' the first doctor says.
''She does everything backwards. Just last week I told her to give a man two milligrams of morphine every ten hours, she gave him 10 milligrams every two hours, he almost died!''
''That's nothing,'' said the second doctor, "earlier this week I told her to give a man an enema every 24 hours, she tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour!''
All of a sudden they heard a blood curdling scream from down the hallway.
''OH MY GOD! I just realized that I told nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smiths boil!'
The Grieving Widow
Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago.Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.
Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replied, "Mum! I have someone for you to meet.."
Well, it was an immediate hit.
They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend away..
Their first night there, she undressed as he did.There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.
Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"
She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."
He knew he was not getting lucky that night.
The following night was the same- she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit-but now he was wearing a black condom.
She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"
He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences.."
Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replied, "Mum! I have someone for you to meet.."
Well, it was an immediate hit.
They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend away..
Their first night there, she undressed as he did.There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.
Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"
She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."
He knew he was not getting lucky that night.
The following night was the same- she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit-but now he was wearing a black condom.
She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"
He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences.."
Warming Up
This couple out on a date get a flat tire while driving along on a snowy night.
The guy gets out to change the tire, but he doesn't have any gloves so before long he gets back in the car with the job half-done, his hands blue from the cold.
His date, wearing a short sexy skirt, says,"Put your hands between my legs to warm them up."
So he does, and after a few exciting and hot minutes, he then gets out to finish the job.
It's so cold, however, that he has to come back one more time to warm his hands, again between her legs.
Finally, he finishes the job and gets back into the car, and is about to put the keys into the ignition when she asks,
"Aren't your ears cold too?"
The guy gets out to change the tire, but he doesn't have any gloves so before long he gets back in the car with the job half-done, his hands blue from the cold.
His date, wearing a short sexy skirt, says,"Put your hands between my legs to warm them up."
So he does, and after a few exciting and hot minutes, he then gets out to finish the job.
It's so cold, however, that he has to come back one more time to warm his hands, again between her legs.
Finally, he finishes the job and gets back into the car, and is about to put the keys into the ignition when she asks,
"Aren't your ears cold too?"
Thursday, September 17, 2009
The Counter
A guy was spending the night with a married couple in their apartment.
Since they didn't have a couch, they let him share their bed with them.
Once they all went to bed and the husband fell asleep, the wife whispered in the guy's ear, "Pull a hair from my husband's ass, if he is asleep we can have sex."
The guy pulled a hair from the husband's ass, and he didn't wake up, so the guy proceeded to make it with the wife.
Not satisfied, the wife told him to do it a second , then a third time,which he happily did.
Finally, the husband rolled over and said wearily, "It's bad enough that you're fucking my wife in the same bed as me, but do you have to use my ass as a scoreboard?"
Since they didn't have a couch, they let him share their bed with them.
Once they all went to bed and the husband fell asleep, the wife whispered in the guy's ear, "Pull a hair from my husband's ass, if he is asleep we can have sex."
The guy pulled a hair from the husband's ass, and he didn't wake up, so the guy proceeded to make it with the wife.
Not satisfied, the wife told him to do it a second , then a third time,which he happily did.
Finally, the husband rolled over and said wearily, "It's bad enough that you're fucking my wife in the same bed as me, but do you have to use my ass as a scoreboard?"
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Buying
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father.
He watched as the father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horses' legs, rump and chest.
After a few minutes, Little Johnny asked, "Pop, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because I'm thinking of buying these horses."
Little Johnny looked worried and said, "Then I think we'd better hurry home right away!"
"Why?" his father asked.
"Because the UPS man stopped by yesterday, and I think he wants to buy Mom!"
He watched as the father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horses' legs, rump and chest.
After a few minutes, Little Johnny asked, "Pop, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because I'm thinking of buying these horses."
Little Johnny looked worried and said, "Then I think we'd better hurry home right away!"
"Why?" his father asked.
"Because the UPS man stopped by yesterday, and I think he wants to buy Mom!"
Abbreviations
A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F." He smiled at her and replied, "S-H -I-T." She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly. He again answered, "S-H-I-T." The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F." The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T." The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain. 'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?" The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday.'
The Difference
A truck driver was doing his usual delivery to IMH (Institute of mental health). He discovered a flat tire when he was about to go home. He jacked up the truck and took the flat tire down. When he was about to fix the spare tire, he accidentally dropped all the bolts into the drain.. As he can't fish the bolts out, he started to panic. One patient happened to walk past and asked the driver what happened. The driver thought to himself, since there's nothing much he can do; he told the patient the whole incident. The patient laughed at him & said "can't even fix such a simple problem.... no wonder you are destined to be a truck driver..." Here's what you can do, take one bolt each from the other 3 tires and fix it onto this tire. Then drive to the nearest workshop and replace the missing ones, easy as that" The driver was very impressed and asked "You're so smart but why are you here at the IMH?"
Patient replied: "Hello, I stay here because I'm crazy not STUPID!"
Patient replied: "Hello, I stay here because I'm crazy not STUPID!"
The Impaired Hearing
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations.
I've changed my will three times!'
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations.
I've changed my will three times!'
Monday, September 14, 2009
The Weather Forecast
It was October, and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. He had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. To be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood. But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again ordered his people to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again.
"Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again ordered his people to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again.
"Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."
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