Beautiful Story

In order to renovate a house in Japan wall has to be torn. Japanese houses normally have hollow spaces between the wooden walls.
While tearing down the walls, the worker found that a lizard is stuck because a nail from the outside accidentally hit one of its feet. He felt pity and at the same time was curious, as when he checked the owner, the building was built 10 years ago thus the lizard was nailed that long.
How did the lizard survived in such position for 10 years..? In a dark partition wall for 10 years without moving, it's impossible and mind boggling. Then he wondered, how without moving a single step - since its foot was nailed!
So he stopped working and start observing the lizard. What has it been doing and how can he get food?

Later, from nowhere appears another lizard, with food in its mouth... He was stunned and touched deeply. For the lizard that was stuck by nail, another lizard has been feeding it for the past 10 years.
What a love, such a beautiful love!!
Such love happened even on these tiny creatures... What love
can do? It can do wonders!! Imagine it has been doing it for a tiredsome 10 years, without giving up hope on its partner.

Short Jokes

Q: What is the similarity between SEX and shopping?
A: MAN can not hold both for more than 5 minutes.

A Guy picks up the girl for a date, 'Why are you wearing your belt around your knee?'
Girl: I promised my mom that I wouldn't let you touch me below my belt.

Q:) Why do lady journalists have big breast?
A:) Because they always say "PRESS"

Q: Why men walk more and women talk more?
A: Coz men have three legs and women have four lips!

Wives are Incoming Calls
Lovers are Outgoing Calls
Aunties are Toll free Calls
Call girls are Roaming Calls
Neighbor Girls are Missed Calls

A man stands nude in front of a mirror and examines himself and says: 2 inches more & I'll be a king.
His wife sitting behind says: 2 inches less & you'll be a queen.

Simple Explanation

An Iraqi goes to the bank to get his salary from a French Company.

The Saudi manager of the bank asks him to sign on the back of the check.

"That's humiliation," shouts the Iraqi, "why should the French sign on the front and I sign on the back. I want my money NOW!"

The Saudi refuse to pay him and the Iraqi keeps shouting in the bank then the American high manager comes with a 5kg hammer and knocks the Iraqi on the head.

After 5 minutes the Iraqi wakes up, signs the back of the check and gets his money. The Saudi clerk goes to the Iraqi and asks, "Tell me why you didn't sign the check the first time but signed it later on?"

The Iraqi said, "You missed the point, you just told it to me, but the American explained it."

The Victorian Polis Test

A man is seeking to join the Victorian Police force - The Sergeant doing the interview says:

"Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."

Then, sliding a pistol across the desk, he says:

"Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit. "

"Why the rabbit?"

"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"

Little Bruce

Mohammed entered his classroom.
"What is your name?" asked the teacher.
"Mohammed" answered the kid."
You are in Australia now and there is no Mohammed. From now on your name will be Bruce," replied the teacher.
In the evening, Mohammed returned home. "How was your day, Mohammed?" asked his mother.
"My name is not Mohammed, I'm in Australia and now my name is Bruce.
""Ah, are you ashamed of your name, are you trying to disown your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you," and she beat him.
Then she called the father and he too beat him savagely.
The next day Mohammed returned to school. When the teacher saw him with all the bruises she asked: "What happened to you little Bruce?""Well Miss, 2 hours after becoming an Australian, I was attacked by two fucken Arabs."

The Sample

My 85-year-old neighbor was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave Tom jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day Tom returned to the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked my 85-year-old neighbor what happened and Tom explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, then I tried with my left hand, then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
We even called up Marie, our next door neighbor and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing.

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor to help with that?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, but none of us could get the jar open.

About Existence

A man went to a barbershop to have his hair cut and his beard trimmed. As the barber began to work, they began to have a good conversation.They talked about so many things and various subjects. When they eventually touched on the subject of God, the barber said: "I don't believe that God exists."
"Why do you say that?" asked the customer.
"Well, you just have to go out in the street to realize that God doesn't exist.
Tell me, if God exists, would there be so many sick people? Would there be abandoned children? If God existed, there would be neither suffering nor pain. I can't imagine a loving God who would allow all of these things."
The customer thought for a moment, but didn't respond because he didn't want to start an argument.
The barber finished his job and the customer left the shop. Just after he left the barbershop, he saw a man in the street with long, stringy, dirty hair and an untrimmed beard. He looked dirty and un-kept.
The customer turned back and entered the barber shop again and he said to the barber: "You know what? Barbers do not exist."
"How can you say that?" asked the surprised barber. "I am here, and I am a barber. And I just worked on you!"
"No!" the customer exclaimed. "Barbers don't exist because if they did, there would be no people with dirty long hair and untrimmed beards, like that man outside."
"Ah, but barbers DO exist! What happens is, people do not come to me."
"Exactly!"- Affirmed the customer. "That's the point! God, too, DOES exist! What happens, is, people don't go to Him and do not look for Him. That's why there's so much pain and suffering in the world."

Just for laugh

Nurse Nancy

Two doctors are in the hallway complaining about nurse Nancy.
''She's out of control!'' the first doctor says.

''She does everything backwards. Just last week I told her to give a man two milligrams of morphine every ten hours, she gave him 10 milligrams every two hours, he almost died!''

''That's nothing,'' said the second doctor, "earlier this week I told her to give a man an enema every 24 hours, she tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour!''

All of a sudden they heard a blood curdling scream from down the hallway.

''OH MY GOD! I just realized that I told nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smiths boil!'

The Grieving Widow

Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago.Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.
Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replied, "Mum! I have someone for you to meet.."
Well, it was an immediate hit.
They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend away..
Their first night there, she undressed as he did.There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.
Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"
She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."
He knew he was not getting lucky that night.
The following night was the same- she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit-but now he was wearing a black condom.
She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"
He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences.."

Warming Up

This couple out on a date get a flat tire while driving along on a snowy night.

The guy gets out to change the tire, but he doesn't have any gloves so before long he gets back in the car with the job half-done, his hands blue from the cold.

His date, wearing a short sexy skirt, says,"Put your hands between my legs to warm them up."

So he does, and after a few exciting and hot minutes, he then gets out to finish the job.

It's so cold, however, that he has to come back one more time to warm his hands, again between her legs.

Finally, he finishes the job and gets back into the car, and is about to put the keys into the ignition when she asks,

"Aren't your ears cold too?"

The Counter

A guy was spending the night with a married couple in their apartment.
Since they didn't have a couch, they let him share their bed with them.

Once they all went to bed and the husband fell asleep, the wife whispered in the guy's ear, "Pull a hair from my husband's ass, if he is asleep we can have sex."

The guy pulled a hair from the husband's ass, and he didn't wake up, so the guy proceeded to make it with the wife.

Not satisfied, the wife told him to do it a second , then a third time,which he happily did.

Finally, the husband rolled over and said wearily, "It's bad enough that you're fucking my wife in the same bed as me, but do you have to use my ass as a scoreboard?"

Buying

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father.
He watched as the father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horses' legs, rump and chest.
After a few minutes, Little Johnny asked, "Pop, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because I'm thinking of buying these horses."
Little Johnny looked worried and said, "Then I think we'd better hurry home right away!"
"Why?" his father asked.
"Because the UPS man stopped by yesterday, and I think he wants to buy Mom!"

Abbreviations

A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F." He smiled at her and replied, "S-H -I-T." She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly. He again answered, "S-H-I-T." The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F." The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T." The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain. 'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?" The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday.'

The Difference

A truck driver was doing his usual delivery to IMH (Institute of mental health). He discovered a flat tire when he was about to go home. He jacked up the truck and took the flat tire down. When he was about to fix the spare tire, he accidentally dropped all the bolts into the drain.. As he can't fish the bolts out, he started to panic. One patient happened to walk past and asked the driver what happened. The driver thought to himself, since there's nothing much he can do; he told the patient the whole incident. The patient laughed at him & said "can't even fix such a simple problem.... no wonder you are destined to be a truck driver..." Here's what you can do, take one bolt each from the other 3 tires and fix it onto this tire. Then drive to the nearest workshop and replace the missing ones, easy as that" The driver was very impressed and asked "You're so smart but why are you here at the IMH?"
Patient replied: "Hello, I stay here because I'm crazy not STUPID!"

The Impaired Hearing

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'

The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations.

I've changed my will three times!'

The Weather Forecast

It was October, and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. He had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. To be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood. But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again ordered his people to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again.
"Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."