Weakneses....

A young man and his girlfriend were about to set the wedding date.

Having had no sex before, she decides to confess to him:

Girl: I must tell you I have nothing up front, flat as a board, hope it doesn't make a difference.

Boy: Not at all Darling, and I must confess, that down below I am like a new born baby.

At the honeymoon suite, she slowly undresses and shyly shows him, see I told you, nothing, pancakes.

He pulls down his shorts and out come this HUGE member, she cries out, 'OMG, you lied to me, you said you were like a newborn baby.'

Lovingly looking at her and says, 'Yes Dear 14 inches 9 pounds!'

The Army Of The Church

Jack was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands.
The preacher grabbed Jack by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, 'You need to join the Army of the Lord!'

Jack replied, 'I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.'

Pastor questioned, 'How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?'

He whispered back, 'I'm in the secret service.'

Yuck

A guy in a mask bursts into a sperm bank with a shotgun.
"Open the goddamn safe," he yells at the girl behind the counter."But we`re not a real bank," she replies. "We don`t have any money. This is a sperm bank."
"Don`t argue, open the goddamn safe or I`ll blow your head off," says the guy with the gun.
She obliges and once she`s opened the safe door the guy says, "Take out one of the bottles and drink it."
"But it`s full of sperm!" she replies nervously.
"Don`t argue, just drink it!" he says.
She takes the cap off and gulps it down.
"Take out another one and drink it too," he demands.
She takes out another and drinks it as well.
Suddenly the guy pulls off his mask and to the girl`s amazement, it`s her husband.
"There," he says, "it`s not that fucking difficult, I told you!"

Keeping The Rabbi

At the regular Saturday morning service, the rabbi announced that he was planning to leave for a larger congregation that would pay him more.
There is a hush within the congregation.
No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.
Fred Shapiro, who owns several car dealerships in Newton and Brookline, stands up and proclaims "If the rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!"
The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.
Saul Cohen, a successful businessman and lawyer, stands and says, "If the rabbi will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee a free college education for his children!" More sighs and loud applause. Estelle Rubin, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the rabbi stays, I will give him sex!"
There is total silence. The rabbi, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Rubin,you're a wonderful and holy lady. Whatever possessed you to
say that?"
Estelle's 90-year old husband, Abe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies:
"Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, "Fuck him."

The Wife Material

He wanted many things in a wife, but above all he wanted one who was a virgin.

Falling madly in love with Summer, he decided to test her.

At a drive-in one night, he leaned over and asked, "Would you like to see my pee-pee?"

As he unzipped his fly, Summer covered her eyes. "No! No! Please put it back!"

Thrilled, he deemed Summer worthy of being his bride, and immediately proposed to her.

On their wedding night, he was keenly anticipating the delight of introducing Summer to sex.

When she came to bed, he unzipped his fly and took out his member.
Summer smiled, "Oooooh...what a nice pee-pee."

He stroked her hair. "My dear, the first thing you must learn is that it really isn't called a pee-pee. It's called a cock."

"No," Summer said, studying it, "That's a pee-pee. A cock is long, fat and like Bubba's!!"

Sex Education

An Italian grandmother was giving an advice to her grandaughter on the eve of her 1st date.

Grandma : Listen Bambina, the boy will try to hug you. Do not let him do that.
Girl : OK
Grandma : He will also try to kiss you in the mouth, do not let him do that.
Girl : OK
Grandma : He will try to lay you down and get between your legs, do not let him do that, if you do you will disgrace all our family!!
Girl : OK
Later that night when the girl returns home, Granma querries on her as to what had happenned.

Girl: You were right Grandma, He tried to do all that you've said.
Grandma: And did you let him?
Girl: No grandma and when he tried to lay me down, I grabbed him. Pinned him to the floor, got on top of him and disgraced all HIS FAMILY !!
Grandma fainted...

The Insurance Plan

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital.During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

'Oh my GOD!' screamed the woman. 'That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?'

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, 'I'm very sorrythat you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do thatat least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture.

Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay, said the woman.

As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him. Again, the woman screamed, 'Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?

Again the doctor spoke very calmly:
'Same illness, better insurance.'

The Man In Titanic

The Titanic was sinking, and there weren't enough life boats.
So the captain had to persuade male passengers to jump into the icy waters to make room for women and children.
To the British he said. "You must act like gentlemen." They jumped.
To the Americans he said, "You can be heroes." They complied.
To the Germans he said, "It's the rule." They obeyed.
To the Japanese he said," It's the consensus." They obliged.
Then came the Chinese and they just weren't budging until he came up with the appeal:

"Free life jackets for those who jumped..."

The Solution

After just a few years of marriage filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw.

When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. In contrast, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour, describing all the wrongs within their marriage.

After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat speechless.

The marriage counselor looked over at the husband, who stared in disbelief. The counselor said to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"

The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."

The Wise Dog

A man walks into a bar with his dog and orders two glasses of whiskey.

He proposes a toast and both he and his dog empty their glasses.

The girl behind the bar is surprised and asks,

"Can your dog perform other tricks?"

"But of course", the man answers, "he can even satisfy a woman."

Anxious to know more the girl leads the man and the dog into a
Little room above the bar. She undresses and full of expectation
She lies down on the bed.The dogs looks at her and does nothing.

"It's always the same thing with you!", the man then shouts to the dog,

'I'll show you how to do it one last time.'